Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
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Where
Was God On September 11?
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Dear
Gil:
My
six-year old daughter is still reeling
from the WTC attack. A relative of her
best friend was on one of the planes
and she is trying her hardest to
handle the emotional overload. At
dinner she asked, "Why did God
let the bad men do this?"
I
started with the "Man has free
will" bit and then told her that
a friend told me God was very busy
that day... making people late for
work so they weren't there... making
sure the planes weren't full... and
holding the buildings together as long
as possible so as many as possible
could get out. It all sounded so trite
to me.
Her
next question was: Is God too busy to
look out for her? I told her that God
pays special attention to children.
She really believes in God with all
her heart -- I'm one of the ones who
isn't so sure, although I would never
tell that to her. Do you have any
thoughts on what to tell her?
S
Dear
S:
Though
your child is only six, she is asking
some of the same questions that many
adults too are asking about God and
the events of and since September
11th. In fact, though I am responding
to your question about your daughter,
much of what I have to suggest could
apply to adults.
To
start, every child (like every adult)
is different and each must be answered
in ways that address their
personalities, sensitivities,
maturities and understandings. As a
father of 4 kids myself, I have seen
that each of my children reacted
differently to the recent events and
each had different questions. You
obviously know your child better than
anyone, so you will need to adapt what
follows to best serve you and your
child's needs.
Before
getting specifically to your question
about God, I'll quote two
professionals, Dr. Robin Goodman and
therapist Kim Fendrick who offer some
general suggestions about coping with
the trauma we have experienced. They
both encourage helping kids to express
what is on their minds (when the child
is ready,) and not dismissing their
fears. Their thoughts and emotions can
be expressed in words, music and
art...just like adults I might add.
Dr.
Goodman also says "Contrary to
parents' fears, talking about violent
acts will not increase a child's fear.
Having children keep scared feelings
to themselves is more damaging than
open discussion...But adults must be
mindful of stating their opinions as
fact or absolutes." Her last
point leads me to your question about
God. When my children ask me about God
I usually start with "nobody
knows the answers for sure including
me." I also ask them what they
think. Their age and maturity then
dictates how complex of an answer I
try to give.
However,
in all cases, I agree with the advice
of Rabbi Earl Grollman who says
"Fairy tales and half-truths are
not proper explanations for the
mystery of death...Unhealthy
explanations can create fear, doubt,
and guilt, and encourage flights of
fancy that are far more bizarre than
reality."
So
what is the truth and how do we
explain it to kids? Personally, I
resonate with much of the thinking of
Rabbi Harold Kushner. I suggest you
look at his book "When Children
Ask About God." I can't do
justice to the book in a sentence or
two, but in summary, he suggests that
God has created the laws of nature
(gravity, night and day, life and
death etc.) that give us a general
order to our lives. After that, God
does not directly intervene in our
lives other than giving us abilities
to do God like acts like finding
strength when we are weak and
comforting and healing ourselves and
others.
As
he says, "The most useful
question....is not 'Why did it
happen?' but, 'Now that it has
happened, what can we do about
it.'" This is a question we can
and must now answer, together with our
children and other adults.
You
may not agree with Rabbi Kushner's
theology so your own will influence
how you care to answer, but as you
wrote, you are not sure yourself. You
are not alone...as noted in the
subtitle to Kushner's book "A
guide for Parents Who Don't Always
Have All the Answers." Of course,
none of us have all the answers so we
need each others help..especially now.
If others have suggestions they'd like
to send in, I'll pass them on. I'll
end with a reference to a website with
many helpful resources for readers
whether they have kids or not: http://www.jewznewz.com/for_parents.phtml.
Love
to your daughter,
Gil
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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