Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
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DYING
TO KNOW THE ANSWERS
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Dear
Gil:
Do
you know if Jewish Law or Jewish thought has
anything to say about the following: My husband's
first wife passed away 6 years ago. When she died he
reserved a plot next to her for himself. Is it
appropriate for my husband to be buried next to his
first wife (he was married to her for 15 years. Does
that make a difference?) or next to me?
E
Dear
Gil:
We
live in a small community. We have a beautiful
cemetery here with at least 3 Jewish people already
buried there, but no "consecrated" ground
for a Jewish area. We hope to be buried there. My
husband are old enough to start thinking seriously
about this. What is the Jewish law on this?
P
and K
Dear
E, P and K:
Jewish
law has much to say on the subjects of death, dying
and mourning. Most of these laws reveal that our
sages had amazing insight into human nature and
human pain. In particular, I have been impressed by
our tradition's realistic attitudes about accepting
the loss of a precious loved one and the emphasis
placed on compassionately helping the mourners to
ease back into the routine of everyday life.
Given
the great amount of thought and text devoted to
death, there is a relatively small amount of
information about the questions you have posed. The
questions are further complicated and relevant
because of the prevalence of intermarriage today.
Though
information is not abundant, I can provide some
answers based on questions I posed to rabbis, a
licensed Jewish Mortician who has participated in
6000 plus funerals over a 20 year period and also on
Maurice Lamm's book: The Jewish Way in Death and
Mourning.
As for
the first question regarding a person whose first
spouse passes away, there does not appear to be
strict Jewish law on the subject, rather, tradition
and custom. The tradition and custom is that usually
one is buried next to ones first spouse. However
there are exceptions. An exception would be if a
person lived much longer with the second spouse or
if the second spouse was much more
"beloved." Other issues include
preferences that had been expressed and whether
there are children involved.
Moving
to the second question about being buried amongst
non-Jews, Lamm writes that Jews should be buried in
a Jewish cemeteries or in a fenced area reserved for
Jews. Yet clearly there are many Jews buried amongst
non-Jews in cemeteries...for example in military
cemeteries. Being buried among non-Jews brings up at
least two issues: finding a rabbi willing to perform
a service in a cemetery or section of a cemetery not
specifically designated for Jews and would mourners
feel comfortable grieving or praying at a grave site
surrounded by religious icons from other religion
(like crucifixes for example.)
While
Jews are supposed to be buried along with other
Jews, there is a converse problem: non-Jews are not
supposed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery or Jewish
section. This problem will be more and more common
because of the growing phenomenon of intermarriage.
Over time, I suspect we will see a number of
alternative burial arrangements to address this
challenge. I know of at least one Jewish cemetery
that has a section created for couples who are not
both Jewish.
In
general, if you are interested in Jewish practices
related to the subject of death, I suggest Lamm's
book and also, a website with quite a bit
information on this subject: http://judaism.about.com/religion/judaism/msub16d.htm
To
help you further, I invite my readers to contact me
at GilMann@aol.com
with any further information, experience or advice
that I will then forward on to you. Thanks for
writing.
Gil
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
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All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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