Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
copyright notice at the end. |
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What
Kind of Jew are You?
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Dear Gil,
At 26
yrs. old I had all about given up on "being
Jewish" after many attempts to find a synagogue I
could afford to join. Where I had been living, synagogue
dues were thousands of dollars a year and at the time I
was supporting my husband and daughter. We did find a
synagogue that gave us a break on dues.
I would
sit in the conservative service but not grasp anything. My
husband grasped everything but was going more for me. We
quit the next day. This was a low point for me. As a
daughter of non religious Jewish parents, I deeply wanted
to feel connected and learn more about my Jewish
birthright. Anyhow, to make a long story short, we finally
moved to a smaller city. I decided to try one more time.
Even
though my husband is still without income (he is a law
student) every congregation in town is fairly affordable
and eager to have us as members. We've lived here two
years now and I am terrified to commit.
I don't
know what I am? Conservative? Been there, done that --
ugh, ugh. Reform? Nope. Orthodox? We keep Kosher now and
deep down I'd like to be more observant but it doesn't
jive for my husband. It is unlikely that he will ever keep
the Sabbath or adhere to the customs revolving around the
laws of family purity. Hassidic? We have made some very
good friends from the Chabad House but we have the same
problems as with the Orthodox Movement not to mention the
fact that Yiddishkeit customs feels very foreign to us.
When
folks ask what I am, I usually say that I am a Jewish
mother, wife and daughter. Sounds good but I am really at
odds with myself. I am floundering while at the same time
trying to instill lots of Jewish morals and values in my
children and set a good example. I know it is important
and I promised g-d I would. Both are enrolled in Jewish (JCC)
preschool and (Chabad) Sunday school which helps teach and
guide me as much as it does them.
Finally,
my question is "Where do we go from here?" Thank
you for reading my letter and your consideration.
N
Hello N:
I am happy
to read your letter. Thank YOU for writing! Reading your
letter, I had to respect the seriousness with which you
struggle with your Judaism. I also give you credit for not
using your bad experience with dues and services as your
ticket out of Judaism. Unfortunately, I have heard from
too many Jews who have used this as their excuse to
"leave".
I have a
simple question for you: Why are you working so hard to
figure out what "kind" of Jew you are (i.e.,
Orthodox, Reform, etc.)?
Personally,
I don't define myself by any of these labels...nor do I
use adjectives like "good" or "bad"
Jew. I consider myself to be a serious Jew. This is a term
I have written about before that I borrowed from Dennis
Prager. Dennis defines a serious Jew as a person who
wrestles with their Judaism. To his definition, I add the
word "actively" wrestles with their Judaism. To
me this means "doing things" as a part of
wrestling with Judaism...not just thinking.
My personal
level of observance has undergone constant change and
personal scrutiny since I was a teen. (I am now 43.) My
level of keeping kosher has also fluctuated (up and down.)
Beyond this,
my family belongs to a Conservative synagogue (partially
because my parents and in-laws belong to this synagogue)
but I also happily and regularly attend different
synagogues of all movements. There are things in each
movement that I like and dislike.
In sum, I am
constantly looking for meaning in the many streams of
Judaism and do not feel compelled at all to declare myself
anything other than a serious Jew. I feel very
comfortable, in fact proud of where I am Jewishly.
A key for
me, and my kids and perhaps for you is that I constantly
seek to learn more about our incredible tradition, history
and culture and how they can apply to a modern world. I
obviously do not accept all I learn, but believe that
never ending education is a requisite. I also think
learning is fun -- that is just a fringe benefit.
From reading
your letter, I surmise that one of the things you long for
is a community of like minded Jews. You might want to
consider checking into some small study groups or havurote
in your area were you could learn, socialize, eat, worship
or all of the above. To learn more, try the website: Havurah.org.
In sum, you
seem like an actively serious Jew to me. Good luck in your
continued struggling and searching. I hope this helps you
see things in a new light. Thanks again for writing!
Gil
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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