Dear Readers, These columns began on my area of America Online, called:  Judaism Today:  Where Do I Fit?   People anonymously sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many Jewish papers and websites.  I hope you find they help you as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood components of the Jewish way of Life.  I welcome your comments... see the end of the column. Gil PS  Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward them or use them as you see fit.  Please see the friendly copyright notice at the end.

HOW CAN I JOIN A SYNAGOGUE AFTER LOSING MY BABY?

Dear Gil:

I have read your book and it inspired me to write to you. I am 35 years old, married with 2 children, aged 3 and 7. My 7 year old is ready for Hebrew school, and the plan is to join a shul this summer.

This is my dilemma. We have a son who died of SIDS when he was 2 months old. My husband and I have both struggled with the existence of God since our son's death. We have read all the "right" books and have spoken with all the "right" people. I simply have not been able to reach a decision about what role God should play in my life or whether I even believe in his existence. Can someone who questions God's existence be an active member at a shul? Is there something I can gain from the experience or can I join just for my children's sake? You opinion would be very much appreciated.

K

Shalom K:

I am sorry to read of the loss of your baby and would not attempt to try and answer your questions about God (as if I knew.) But as to your questions about joining a synagogue in spite of your faith issues, my short answer to both of your questions is yes and yes.

As you may have noted in my book, the Hebrew word for synagogue is Beit Knesset -- this does not mean house of prayer, it means house of assembly. There is much to be gained by assembling with a community of others through a synagogue. This runs the gamut from spirituality to socializing to study to celebrating to entertainment to support when you are grieving and more.

And I will let you in on a little secret that I have learned from the countless emails I have received and speaking in over 60 Jewish communities: There are many people at synagogues who like you, have serious doubts about God. I even know of rabbis who have gone through periods when their faith in God was shaken or lost.

These doubts and questions about the ways of God do not disqualify you from being a Jew. As I have mentioned in the past, "Israel" means wrestle with God. To question is to live up to your name sake as a member of the people Israel. So, your asking is "kosher" so to speak. Don't forget that even Abraham had some very serious questions for God and he was not bashful about asking!

Related to belief in God of course is prayer, a challenging topic worthy of a column all by itself. But for now I would say, even if you have trouble with Spirituality, there are to two other sacred aspects of Judaism to be found at the synagogue: Ethics and Peoplehood -- ESP is how I put the three.

Learning and studying the Ethical teachings of Judaism is one of the primary purposes of a synagogue. I know people who find this the most important reason to go to the synagogue. They enjoy Torah and text study and are disappointed if the sermon or d'var Torah does not give them some ethical food for thought.

Finally, I would not downplay the Peoplehood or social aspects of the synagogue. As the funny but realistic joke goes: Goldstein goes to shul to talk to God, and I go to shul to talk to Goldstein. I can relate because seeing friends and acquaintances is one of the reasons I regularly attend. And, it is not a coincidence that there is food, kiddush and shmoozing at the end of Shabbat services at almost every synagogue. Since I was a kid and up to this day, this has been my favorite part of shul!

As for your children, I answer YES, for the same reasons that I offer to you as an adult but for kids, I'd add the value of synagogue youth groups (that's also Jewish Peoplehood.) In a nutshell, a synagogue can offer you and your family community where you can together discover how Jewish Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood can add meaning to your life. Critical to all of this of course, is finding a rabbi and congregation you like.

In conclusion then, I would say to try a find a place to join. Synagogues certainly have their drawbacks and may not answer many of the questions and yearnings that you (and I) have about God, but in general they add much to my Jewish life. I think they would for you and your family as well. Thank you for writing!

Gil

A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE © Copyright Gil Mann These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org.  Not only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!  All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you also include this little copyright notice.  Thank You!

Thanks,
Gil